


Patience

by Shatsan



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Bisexual Clarke Griffin, Declarations Of Love, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Thoughts, Doctor Clarke, Dorms, Drama & Romance, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, Fine Stud Lexa, First Love, High School, Hopeful Ending, Insecurity, Inspired by Real Events, Jealous Lexa, Long-Distance Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Love at First Sight, Minor Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Misunderstandings, One True Pairing, POV Lexa, Phone Calls & Telephones, Protective Lexa, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Shy Lexa (The 100), Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Slow Romance, Slow To Update, Student Lexa (The 100), Teen Crush, Teen Romance, The 100 Femslash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15640365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shatsan/pseuds/Shatsan
Summary: Lexa Woods has never really thought of her actual sexuality, given that she basically never had to. But when she begins her freshman, and sees Clarke Fucking Griffin who happens to be living in the dorms, everything comes clear as sun: she's the gayest gay gays ever gayed. A whole goddamn year later, she even gets the courage to throw her a shy message, and unexpectedly, they actually become friends.But could Clarke possibly feel the way she does? Risking the love confession, Lexa knows a thousand of ways things could go wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soo this is my first Clexa fanfic with a proper, long plot. I'm not gonna lie (hmm but frankly I don't even want to), the love story is proudly based on my way to my sexuality and my first experiences with ladies... or a certain one.
> 
> Here's the prologue to perk up your attention, you can abandon it, you can make it a bookmark, or leave a kudos, I don't know. :D 
> 
> Whatever this leads to, I'll be glad and honoured to share this with the ones who might as well like it. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

_Da Bum_ , that's how Lexa calls that first day of her freshman year, the day that completely changed her life.

Bekka Pramheda was her second home. She'd been studying here ever since 7th grade, and her time here has come to a very important point this year. There had been only one class proceeding of her age, but freshman was the year when new classes joined them. Being the silently curious girl, walking the Earth with open eyes and sharpened senses, Lexa was dead excited to see the new students. Nevertheless, she was hoping she would find great friendships.

So on the first day of the new school year, full of joy, hope, curiosity, even a little fear, Lexa and her friends went outside the hall and sat on the enormous old wooden chest that stood there facing their door, since who knows how long. Ancient local rumours say that they used to store coal inside that chest, in the old times when there was no gas to heat the building. This school has been famous of its magnificent architecture and its past, yet there was still plenty of stories Lexa has never heard of. Other rumours though, say that there are bones of long-disappeared ones stored in that structure of wood.

Lexa remembered those breaks between classes they had spent trying to figure out what was actually locked away in the chest. They would use their phones to try to light through the tiny gaps that time, usage, and naughty students had craved between the boards. Of course, they wouldn't see anything other than some papers and trash tucked into the hollow.

That day, that moment, they were hanging out exactly on that chest. That was their basement, it can be said.

"My dear _fresh_ men mates, let's see the _fresh_ meat." Announced Anya smugly rubbing her palms, the closest of Lexa's friends. A small group of the new class, class B Lexa assumed, was coming their way, probably exploring the new place from head to toe. Their main classroom was just above the principal's office, on the highest floor.

As the kids came, same age, same dreams, same goals, they watched them eagerly... at least Lexa did, because she was truly interested. Her friends beside her, Anya, Nyko and Luna were whispering and snickering at the newbies, but Lexa didn't really care. She was just thoroughly studying them.

There were two boys, surely nerds. One was slim and for some odd reason he wore ski glasses pushed up to the top of his head. The other was asian and seemed to be very close to his friend. _As if they've grown up together,_ Lexa thought.  
She saw another boy too. He was tall and quite impressingly worked out, had a little darker skin than the others. He wore a black wifebeater, which allowed a piece of the black tattoo on his chest to be seen. _Wow, he already has tattoos?_ Lexa was a little jealous of him as she was not allowed yet to get one. And then it fell and she couldn't believe her eyes: this was Lincoln, a quiet good friend from kindergarten and first grade. Although they haven't met ever since then, she was now quite enlightened to see him all grown up.  
Then, there went the girls. One of them had an interesting face: her jaws and cheekbones were define and sharp, whereas her perky nose and light blue eyes made her look like a puppy. She had a strict expression, but obviously her face didn't reflect the way she probably felt. The other girl definitely seemed like the science and cyber genius, had her hair in a ponytail and wore a red bomber jacket with a NASA t-shirt.

There weren't so many clues for Lexa to conclude these informations. She wasn't even sure. Simply she was just good at reading people.

 _Then_ , she spotted someone. Another girl. She was short, she had nice curves, blonde hair, a pair of deep sky-blue eyes, so it had to be admitted she looked great just like the others. But what caught Lexa's attention more, was the t-shirt she was wearing. It was black and it showed the logo of their favourite series: Teen Wolf.

_Da Bum._

Out of space, she almost didn't notice when Anya nudged her from the side. "Oh God, see that t-shirt on that girl?"

"Yeah?" She blurted out.

"Hey let's ask her if she ships Stalia or Stydia."

Lexa just shrugged casually, her eyes remaining still on the blonde. Though that didn't mean she didn't want to know. Oh no, she was _dead curious_. As the kids kept approaching, however, their time was going low. And nobody spoke.

" _You_ ask her." Lexa hissed to Anya.

"No way, _you_ ask her." She retorted.

"Gurl please!" She pleaded.

Anya shook her head and mocked. "Hah don't be a crybaby just. Ask. Her."

But only a few knew that despite she wasn't the most fearless and open of all, Lexa was a strong being. She was determined, honest, sensible. She always got what she desired but always with pure will, pride, and not a single time she used unfair advantages or acted overbold. Honour and self-control meant much to her. So when her friends crossed a line, a simple look was enough to seal the order of things. Just like now.

Anya groaned and threw a defeated glare at Lexa before straightening herself and saying to the girl. "Stydia or Stalia?"

She didn't hear it.

"Louder you moron." She encouraged.

Anya called out again, this time with enough voice. The blonde looked over at them, face stoick, but said nothing. Anya was getting frustrated as they were passing by their classroom and almost reached the stairs that lead down. Now all she could muster was a confused "Teen Wolf?" and still without a reply, the newbies were gone.

For a few moments they sat in silence.

"That was like, super fucking awkward." Anya muttered and she seemed really annoyed. She was gripping the necklace she wore, the one that happened to be also related to the series, and kept grumbling under her breath. "She doesn't even know the series, I'm sure as hell."

Lexa also had that necklace, and she wondered if the girl even saw it hanging on either of their necks. "Sure." She murmured as she was staring into the distance, actually the spot where she'd noticed the mysterious 'Teen Wolf girl'.

_I'm certain I've seen her before. But definitely not in Polis._

The t-shirt and the face connected to it indeed left a feeling of dèja vu inside her. She just couldn't figure it out yet. In one thing she was sure though: she _wanted_ to talk with this blonde, no matter if she seemed quite obnoxious for the first impression. Something just kept her curious and it wasn't even their common series.

A few days later, all the fog around the mysterious 'Teen Wolf girl' vanished, thanks to the internet. Through the Facebook Lexa quickly found out that her name was Clarke Griffin, she officially lives in Arkadia and she stays in the school's dormitory. But then what was the reason of how familiar Lexa thought she was? It was a simple connection, the two of them were both members of a Teen Wolf group... she must've ran into her once or twice. How tiny the world is, isn't it? After she had gained these informations, she had also sent her a friend request, although she wasn't sure if it was rather because she found herself a little creepy.

Was she really stalking? She had a supposition saying she did _that_ exactly, and it _was_ reasonable since the amount of time she spent looking through Clarke's pictures was way more than she expected.

* * *

 

Time passed and her interest just grew. Something just pulled her to this girl, again, not even the series... just Clarke. Time by time Lexa found herself seeking for a glisten of golden locks in the weak autumn sunshine, or two pools of intense blue. Walking in the school, her gaze never calmed, and whenever she sensed the slightest bit of a chance to see Clarke (for example her classmates), her eyes just ran around searching until she felt dizzy. Soon enough, she counted and knew every occasion they would stumble around into each other. When she has History on the second floor, Clarke waits just across for ICT. When she has Chemistry, from the window she can see Clarke below, leaving from PE, crossing the court. When she leaves from English and goes up to the first floor, stopping at her locker, Clarke comes down the stairs. There are two series of stairs hugging up the long corridors, but for some odd reason Clarke doesn't seem to use the other, the smaller and tighter one (so, of course, neither does Lexa). Unfortunately they don't have classes together so these are the only opportunities Lexa can obtain.

Except for one other: lunch.

Lexa every day watches Clarke in the canteen holding a tray and picking up her lunch. A few months passing by, this became some kind of a ritual (only for herself though, she didn't tell anyone). She knows how Clarke doesn't hurry, that she would always stick in the line whereas Lexa is already seated near the windows, ready to eat her lunch. She knows how Clarke would always position herself around the middle, usually to a four seated table, and always, _always_ eats with the girl whose name is Raven. Occasionally the other girl, Octavia would join them. Raven also lives in the dorms, Octavia happens to be from the Blake family. Lexa knows his elder brother from the gym where she trains, but honestly she's never liked that Bellamy guy.

She found herself smiling as she watched Clarke day by day: she has friends, she is studying here in this amazing school and she looks happy given by the way she laughs and grins. Watching this genuine joy felt oddly good for Lexa... as if she was blooming. Also, since one day she actually heard her voice ringing softly, it wouldn't leave her mind. However, she couldn't really sort out these feelings... in fact they straight scared her. She literally didn't know shit about her, because apart from that they were contacted on the Facebook, they've never ever spoken a word.

Then why on fucking Earth was she so tethered to Clarke Griffin?

* * *

 

It'd come to winter. By the time Lexa had already checked her on every social website, and the more she watched her pictures, the more she became stressed and guilty and fucked up.

Until the day she decided to play the new Tomb Raider. Until the day she found out how cute Lara Croft and Sam Nishimura looked. Until the day she saw the first lesbian fanart and read the first fanfiction. Until the day she's gotten to know the LGBT and widened her knowledge of the world. Before, she's never thought of these people. She had been always told that they weren't important or normal and being young, she didn't feel the need to know more either. But now, as she had gotten vision, everything changed and became bigger, brighter, better. Also, something began to stir inside her, something that she seemed like she's always had, but never known what it was.

* * *

 

The end of freshman was rapidly approaching, and now that there was only a day before the yearly school trip, the students also started to actually feel it. This time, given that they were slowly becoming adults, the principal arranged tickets for an opera performance. Lexa and her friends were split by their opinions: she and Luna were immensely interested in cultural and theatre activities, unlike Nyko and Anya who rather took part in wilder programs, such as cinemas, festivals, or just going to a disco and releasing their inner party animals. But this trip didn't burn into Lexa's mind for the theatre, but because of _Clarke_.

After the performance they were allowed to wander around for a healthy hour before their bus would arrive. Apparently they chose to search for a quiet place and have the drink that they'd smuggled along... well, at least according to Lexa's dream plans. Of course, it was not enough so they asked a random adult to buy some, and soon enough it was obvious there was no sign of sobriety left in her friends. Except for Lexa they were heavily scolded when they returned (stumbled back with her support), but the real backslap was yet to come.

Let's be honestly honest: tired, late hours, a bunch of drunk teens, and a tight bus equals a pure disaster. And because of they're with Lexa, Lexa herself becomes one of them to blame. So when she meets a pair of sky-blue eyes from across, brows furrowed and a clearly judgmental expression spread upon a beautiful face, her stomach twists and drops to hell. So Clarke had gotten her own opinion. Great.

* * *

 

However, after school finishes, on the day she's been born now sixteen years ago, she gets the best birthday gift she can wish for: Clarke Griffin writes on her Facebook page. It was a simple text, the simplest simplicity of simple. It read: 'Happy birthday! :)'. But for Lexa it meant a swirl of delight in her chest, a bunch of butterflies in her gut, a slight blush creeping on her face... and the involuntar picture of her gay ships in her mind. Usual things that she had no idea why were constantly happening to her ever since she'd seen Clarke Fucking Griffin.

During the summer her thoughts of the blonde girl faded a little though, but in return she got other thoughts to claim her mind. Finding new and more LGBT contents, series, websites, informations, people, she was increasingly thinking about what she felt... or what she _didn't feel_ for boys. She's been always a boyish girl. Rather sparring with sticks and playing video games instead of acting like a momma or imitating her dream wedding with Barbie and Ken. Rather wearing swimshorts with her bikini top. Rather spending her time training at the gym and never ever using makeup or painting her fingernails. Sure she had these childish crushes on boys, the sort of crush that comes when the poor guy smiles at you etc, but she's never fallen in _love_ yet. Besides, loving boys was the way how it goes, wasn't it? At least that was the strict, hidden yet obvious order of her society.

Her dad left the family with a woman a few years ago and since her mother hasn't found anyone yet, Lexa felt like taking care of Indra and her brother Aden, was her responsibility. She slowly became who she really was: protective, fighting for good, standing straight and holding her chin proudly up. And these are what a man does for a lady, isn't it? Lexa, of course, wouldn't describe herself as a boy. But by the time summer passes, she is certain she doesn't need a man at all.

So when she meets her friends in August and along their endless conversation gays come up, out of space, she states quietly:

_Guys, I'm gay._

Even herself was surprised at how comfortable and normal she felt saying it, but frankly that just clarified how she felt. So ever since she completed her first coming out to Anya, Nyko and Luna (they clearly approved and were glad she told them), even the rest of her personality was revealed to _herself_. Her stare instinctively wanders to nice girls, worshipping them, and now she truly experiences the feeling when someone hot just makes your head literally jerk back and your jaw fall slack. She imagines kissing a girl, holding her by the hips, dancing, opening the door for her, adoring her curves, and it feels right... she even thinks of making out, and then... doing something that then won't leave her cursed horny teen mind for the following few nights. Also, a lot of confusing stuff she'd experienced when she was younger, now got clear as sun: Lexa realized her sexuality had been always there in her fragile spirit, but hidden and brainwashed. The time she used to 'like' boys was nowhere near the present. She truly and sincerely was the gayest gay gays ever gayed.

So she started contacting other LGBT people, and, of course, also tried dating.

It happened in the October of sophomore. Although she still adored Clarke from the distance and often had innocent, platonic fantasies and hopes, she met a girl. Her name was Costia. Brown curly hair, light smile, eyes so dark the pupils are almost lost. She was nice, and they would talk for long long hours without noticing the time. However, when the girl hugs Lexa on their first meeting, she doesn't feel such thrilled. She assumes it's just the lack of experience, but deep inside she's well aware of her suppositions being nothing more than bullshit. Because when she wonders about what they could be, all she can imagine is something golden and blue. And when this gloomy frame keeps appearing in her dreams, speaking to her, touching her face, ghosting lips along her neck, Lexa can't take it anymore. She realized that whatever she thought and held up in her miserable defense, all the way towards her real sexuality had been triggered by Clarke Fucking Griffin. She just fell on her goddamn knees for her. She didn't want to be rude, but said no to Costia.

And now, it is November, a year later that stuff about her sexuality evolved. Sitting on Literature, all she can do is staring at her phone like an idiot... no, like someone who's about to do something brave... or... crazy?

 _Fuck it_ , she thought. So she opened Messenger and swallowed one more time before she started texting Clarke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small things I wanna mention.
> 
> First of all I'm from Europe and my mother language is not English. And the second thing that enroots from this, is that I'm not so familiar with the US high schools. I did some research about grades and stuff, but there still might be some mistakes about classes or student society, etc.
> 
> But nevertheless, I'd really appreciate detailed comments and critics! :)


	2. Chapter 2

_What the hell am I doing?_ Lexa wondered, staring at the blank typing box with a tiny line of sweat on the back of her neck. First of all, how should she do this? She and Clarke had been contacted for a year but never spoke, and now abruptly she gets a message from Lexa? Like, _hey there it looks like I finally noticed you_. What would she even think of Lexa? There was no reason for them to just talk in all of a sudden and what if she asks why? _Oh I'm just a creepy lesbian and I've been doing some stalking because I have a serious crush on you._

Lexa sighed and closed the app. _This is a madness,_ she thought, _what are you doing to me, Clarke Griffin?_ So instead, she opened her browser to pull her mind away from the topic (paying attention to classes were also hard these days). She saw an article that quite a lot perked up her attention, but at the same time, the teacher from across started to watch her with a scarily suspicious expression. So she copied the link, and sent it to herself for later. Then her fingers stopped dead in the tracks as the idea (or rather a suicidal thought) crossed her mind.

 _T_ _his is crazy._ But then Lexa did it. She clicked on the name and pasted the link... Then she shook her head and deleted it. _I can't do this,_ she protested, _this is hilarious. I could even type a simple 'hi Clarke'._ With sweaty palms she jokingly did so, but then almost laughed at her miserable attempt and again, deleted her message. No fucking way, she's not that brave. Instead, she kept watching that devilish machine beneath her hands until without thinking, she pasted the link again and casually sent it just as she planned.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  ' _Click here to open the reference_ '  
>  Whoops wrong name sry

_Dear_ _God,_ was all her poor brain could muster, besides the fact that she immediately regretted this. By now she was certainly surely doubtlessly indeed going to faint. For a few moments she sat there still, eyes wide and pulse drumming in the ear, and just watched her phone until it went black from the lack of use.

"Should I be at ease knowing Ms Woods is paying full attention to my lecture?"

She twitched at the sharp voice of her Literature teacher and quickly slid away her phone to look up at her. The eyes over there were fixated on her judgingly, seeking any signs of evidence. And the woman _did_ have reason for that, because Lexa was blushing madly... not because of what the teacher assumed though.

"I'm all good." She said with a steady nod. Although she felt like she was going to meld and disappear, she still had the power to mask it from the teacher. _Honour and self-control_ , she told herself sternly, though she knew her perfect lie was not that quite honourable. Screw it, she can be a bad girl sometimes, can't she?

During the following part of the lesson Lexa did her very best to bring her form, but frankly that just seemed _impossible_ knowing she just sent a freneticly horribly hilarious message to her crush having her own class somewhere in the same goddamn building. So barely a few minutes passing by, it was not surprising how eagerly Lexa grabbed her phone, only for her little heart to stop.

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Np but shouldn't u pay attention to class? ;)

A mixture of pure dread and thrill shook Lexa's slippery hands and she almost dropped her phone, pulling a pair of strict eyes on herself again. She quickly pretended like she was noting industriously, but all her mind could echo was _fuckfuckfuckfuck._ When the woman across turned away, she took a deep breath and gathered all her courage and sanity. _I can't screw this up. Just stay cool._ And with still trembling fingers, she began typing a catchy reply.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  I'm a woman, capable of paying split attention :)

Was it too dumb? In her head it sounded much more badass... no, it was definitely dumb. Lexa cringed and had this annoying urge to just sink below her desk and hide under it, as if Clarke was here in this classroom watching her like, _what the heck are you doing?_ But she didn't want to get into trouble with this teacher, so all she could do was to wait. Wait patiently and let stuff evolve... if there was even something to evolve. Losing hope though, by now she was sure Clarke wouldn't answer and things would just go back to the old times, Lexa admiring her from the distance and slowly chasing her mind into insanity.

Suddenly she thought of Costia. Since she had ended flirting, they hadn't spoken so much. But now looking back, she'd already _known_ back then that somewhere inside it was all the way Clarke she wanted. It's been always. Maybe she just tried to hide it from herself for whatever reason. Nevertheless, she still wondered about Costia, worried if she was okay since Lexa must've hurt her. Sighing mentally, she looked at her phone once again: Clarke sent her a simple laughing emoji but said nothing more. Lexa wanted to hope it was just because Clarke was focusing on class unlike her, but she wasn't sure at all.

The day passed like that. They didn't meet during the rest of school, and for once in her life Lexa was grateful for that. She was at home now, supposed to be studying yet not capable of it due to the swirl of thoughts in her mind. Instead, she was sitting in her chair, aimlessly rolling and spinning around in her tiny room. Clarke hasn't written... to be honest nobody searched for her these days.

_I've got to try once again. Just once. My plan was a mess to say the least, Clarke must think I don't wanna talk with her... maybe neither does she._

But she opened the app again, and a strange jolt of determination rushed along her body when she saw Clarke was online. _Need a common topic,_ she told herself, _Teen Wolf._ She wrote her message but only watched it, the tip of her finger lingering above the final button. Burning heat spread through her whole head and the sweaty, trembling hands of hers threathened to drop the phone again. With her tongue slightly put out, her eyes ran through the text over and over again, seeking a grammar mistake, wondering whether she seemed like an idiot or a more idiot. She even edited here and there. It must've been like ten minutes pondering, and then she sent it with a twitch in her gut.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Hey, me again. Btw I just thought you could give me an advice whether to watch the final season of Teen Wolf or not. I've heard bad critics about it.

She shut her eyes tightly the moment she hit the button, even clenched her jaw as she was waiting. When she carefully peered out from behind her eyelids, however, she wished she didn't: Clarke saw it. She wasn't writing just yet though, probably she was surprised... or annoyed. But there was no way back now, so Lexa just kept studying the screen until she saw the blonde writing. _Oh God... here we go._

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Hi! I haven't watched it yet and I also don't know about it.  
>  I'm kinda afraid what to do with my life once it ends. :D

Not knowing the exact reason, Lexa smiled. Clarke was truly cute and her stomach already filled up with butterflies.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Got a point! Why tho, don't you watch other series?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  I do but this is my favourite because of Dylan O'Brien. *-*

_Shit. That's a boy... looks quite straight so far._ She quickly wrote though.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  I like Stiles too! How about Kira/Arden Cho? She's very badass :D
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  No way, she's my other fav! *-*  
>  I love kitsunes aww

Lexa growled when she looked at the clock. She had to set off to the gym for her training within five minutes.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Hmm so are you interested in Japanese culture? ^^ I just read a book about geishas and stuff and I fell in love with them.

_I really gotta go now._ She gritted her teeth with anger and worry but just simply couldn't bring herself to leave this conversation.

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Oh not really, I just love Kira's personality and her abillities as a kitsune. Btw Stydia or Stalia?
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Of course Stalia! Idk Stydia is just... forced by fans. :/ Whatcha think?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Stalia for life. :)

Lexa beamed at how similar they seemed and she just kept grinning like an idiot, still blushing and counting an endless amount of butterflies in her gut. However, she really had to say goodbye now, no matter how she would've rather skipped training than stopped talking with the girl of her dreams.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Good! :) But sorry I gotta go to my training... strict sports stuff. Glad we talked tho ^^

She couldn't help but added the last sentence, despite that her heart jumped into her throat when Clarke read this certain message.

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Me too :)

* * *

 

All the way during the training, Lexa kept reliving these moments: the way her blood drummed in her ears so loudly she almost couldn't hear anything, how all the heat spread deliciously in every fiber of her body, how she trembled with excitement and fear, and the best was the way everything just stopped to exist around her. The woman she worshipped, the one that kept her up all night long, the one she instantly fell for the very moment she saw her. She even imagined how would Clarke react to her message.

 _Was she surprised? Could I possibly make her laugh or just smile if not less?_ The thought of _her_ being the one immediately sent a sweet shudder through her back. _But most importantly... will we speak again? Was she... truly glad we spoke?_

Maybe Clarke just didn't want to be rude...

Her trail of darkening thoughts cut off the moment a rush of blunt pain shook her up, as her spaced out mind couldn't react to the punch of a curly haired boy in front of her. Lexa stumbled back a little, rubbing her cheekbone through her boxing glove, and glared at Bellamy, despite she knew it was her fault. She grunted but didn't squeal like a vulnerable lady. Oh she was far from vulnerable. _Honour and self-control,_ she kept telling herself like a mantra.

"You 'kay?" The boy asked slowly dropping his gloved hands.

"What a gentleman." Lexa snickered and retorted with a challenging expression. "You punch like a pussy."

He indeed did. From all the ones she's been training for the past years, Bellamy was the weakest yet the proudest of all. Bad pairing, but Lexa knew how to handle it.

They smiled at each other, but they both knew it wasn't that kind of a friendly one... rather like a dominant snarl. Actually they had a strange relationship. They had many things in common, and they would genuinely like talking about them once in a while. However, Lexa has always felt like Bellamy was trying to swipe her away, flaunting his abillities, his masculine strength that Lexa couldn't always fight because of her anatomy. He literally tried to take advantage of him being a man and Lexa being a woman, and she found it disgustingly miserable, yet it hurt her somewhere deep inside. Especially because of her sexuality and the way she felt herself comfortable. But she was always convinced of her victory as their spirits clearly showed which of them was the strong or the coward. Two alphas couldn't fit in one place: Bellamy tended to lead, but Lexa was _herself_ a leader. So she wasn't going to let herself down.

Bellamy retorted after a moment. "I'm not the one with _that_ between my legs."

_You sexist bastard... Chill. Honour and self-control. Honour. And. Self-control._

Lexa got herself back in position. "Come on, say it." She urged with a smirk that she wasn't quite sure whether it was sincere or forced. " _Pussy._ "

Bellamy rolled his eyes and went for his goal instead. "Block." He commanded, swung his fist, and Lexa blocked.

_Block. Block. Attack. Block. Attack. Attack. Block. Attack._

They warmed back up with some robotical exercises and then began their session properly. To be honest though, Lexa liked fighting with Bellamy. Not because he was quite easy to win against, but because of honour. She knew Bellamy expected her to hide. But she wouldn't in a million years.

Suddenly Lexa wondered if Clarke saw them once. Could she impress her? Like, _wow she looks hot._ She was in sports bra, loose shorts cut off just above her knees, had her braided hair in a ponytail, and was all sweaty. Her muscles were define due to the determined workout, yet her shape was still soft, smooth legs, curved hips and breasts. Could she be considered somewhat like... sexy, then? Could she even impress a lady like that? Sure Costia loved that about her but... Clarke was different. So much different that Lexa wasn't even sure if she could focus if Clarke was here watching her. She would get all the way beaten up... but then the blonde (who as she heard was going to be a doctor) would tend her sore ass... washing away a small trail of blood from her lips... massaging her shoulders or her scalp...

 _Stop it,_ she growled to herself, gradually getting anxiously empty as she just felt the need widen inside of her. Her imaginations were cliche and not even realistic since these fucking boxing gloves couldn't really rip the skin just made it swollen and purple. She just felt like a little naiv girl drooling over shit.

The realization made her movements angry, from now on she lost the flexibility that made her deadly, and she fought like an animal. And if the wolf smells blood, it can't be stopped. Lexa's rampaging fists were rapidly flashing, her eyes scattered flames as she almost literally started to taste sweet wonderful blood on her tongue, and by now she barely could think. But if the blood the wolf smells is caused by a clever hunter, it easily can be fooled to make a wrong decision. Another lost moment, a foolishly aggressive move, and Bellamy hit her again badly.

"Trailing off Woods, or I just grew above your head?" He questioned as he held out a hand for Lexa to grab it. She did so that she wouldn't fall, swallowing thick air into her lungs. Now she was really convinced of the backslap of fighting aggressively and she swore she wouldn't do it again.

_Fuck self-control._

"Please I've been doing this ever since I was a kiddo." She replied coolly after her unsteady breathing calmed, but still noticed the defiant proud on the boy's face. She rolled her eyes at that and just put off her gloves, then went aside for her bottle and drank.

"Whatever. Just let's finish this for today." She said and grabbed her small towel to wipe off the sweat. Then they headed for the changing rooms.

"We've done the workout, the plank, and also trained. Nyko already left and Roan had told me the place will be full of kids tomorrow. Dunno if you wanna come but I probably won't." Lexa stated. "According to Roan's charts, next period we should be doing those self-defense exercises."

Bellamy shrugged. "Okay. See you then."

"Yeah."

And without another word but a simple wave, they parted their ways. Lexa checked her phone, but no messages came, and she was too goddamn afraid to be the one to start the conversation again. When she changed and left the gym, she saw Octavia, probably coming to her brother, and once again she thought of Clarke. At home, even the burning shower couldn't erase the disappointment she felt.

The following morning Lexa woke up with a beautiful hickey under her left eye. Maybe Bellamy really grew over her head... All day she's been being asked about it and by the time it came to the end of classes, she literally laughed at her Math teacher and told him the story _again._ Of course she wouldn't mention Clarke. Even her friends still didn't know about her crush.

And maybe, it was time to tell them.

"Come on Lexa, _Bellamy_ couldn't in a million years reach you like that." Nyko stated who also happened to know the curly haired boy. "What the heck happened?"

They were at the canteen, having an ordinary lunch on an ordinary day. Only Lexa didn't feel like ordinal.

"Toldcha, nothing." She shrugged. "I wasn't focusing, there were a lot on my mind."

"Like?" Luna asked.

_Fuck honour._

"You know it... My family... my mom." She lied, glancing down and shrugging maybe too much lately. Well, it wasn't such a lie, because she did have a problematic family.

Why was she lying? She's not the one to lie, except for her sexuality. She wanted nothing more than a coming out to her family, but right now, given to the terrible state her parent's divorcee caused, it clearly seemed like a suicide. But this wasn't about herself but Clarke, so it didn't save her from the guilt.

"I forgot my fork." She muttered and stood up.

When she headed for the line, however, she spotted Clarke near the place she planned to go. Like always, she was with Raven and Octavia. She wore tight blue jeans and a white cactus t-shirt with a short black leather jacket. Her hair was in a lazy bun and she looked so fucking breathtakingly beautiful and unreachable that Lexa considered just turning back and continue eating with her hands. After stopping for a brief moment and welcoming the lump in her throat, however, she went on, prepared to die. Unfortunately for her the line was slow, so when she crossed the chamber and arrived, they were still close.

 _Maybe she doesn't even know how I look like,_ she gulped, but knew it was a naive hope.

"Just coming for a fork." She gestured at the few students standing there. They let her over and she stumbled there, but she couldn't help but looked behind her back for a shy checkout.

Deep sky-blue eyes looked right back at her, and obviously they _knew_ how she looked like. Only for a brief moment though, because Lexa immediately turned back and pulled out a piece of metal, panicking.

"Shit that's a spoon." She muttered under her breath desperately, but she was certain it was loud enough to be heard. She dropped back the spoon and finally, _finally_ found a fucking fork, then backed out of the line... turning in the wrong goddamn way so she faced Clarke once again. At this moment she just wanted to be Frodo with that ring, or Harry with that cape, to just disappear.

 _Wait,_ she froze _._

The real shock was yet to come. Lexa's legs wobbled as she caught a swirl of Clarke's perfume, and her eyes darted back at hers. This time her gaze got tethered, she lost track in time and she had no idea whether she stared at her for only a moment or an entire life. Rooted into the ground, she was so lost in this beauty that she couldn't even process anything else, nor Clarke's expression at her, nor her actual fucking _friends'_ presence.

"Hi." Lexa rasped out eventually, an unfamiliar voice leaving her dry mouth. The magic broke, she woke up from her vigilant haze, and her eyes widened as she realized she was fucking standing here in front of her crush still and silently like a complete idiot. "Fuck." She murmured, seeing the confusion on Clarke's face, but without waiting for an actual reaction, she was off and almost literally ran back to their table.

Her legs were still shaking when she threw herself on the chair and her eyes blown, breathing erratically, hand grasping that single poor fork and holding it up ridiculously. _What the goddamn crap of hell just happened?_ Echoed her mind as if it wasn't capable of progressing anything else... not like this fact wasn't surprising. Turning her pale face she glanced aside to see Clarke now sitting at a table with her friends, but jumped and jerked back as a familiar voice hit through the fog.

"Seen a ghost?" Anya spoke. "You're acting weird today, Lex."

For a while she was just switching glances between the fork and the others at the table, still shocked a little bit and definitely not able to form words.

Luna sighed and spoke instead of her. "Look, gurl." She began, sharing a look with the others. "We know you've got a family crisis, but we've toldcha a thousand times to just be patient 'bout it."

"Crybabies won't save the world."

"You know shit Anya..." Lexa barked but then just let it go and sighed. Anya wasn't the best at this. "I just wish I could go to Lesbos and for-fuckin-get this..." She snickered bitterly, but only she knew it was meant to Clarke. Sure she still had problems at home, but recently her own stuff pulled her down more than a raging mother, a lonely brother, or a dickhead father. Especially after that disaster with Clarke over there...

Nyko smiled at her, trying to dissolve the tension. "I'd promise to go with you for the ladies mate, but I wouldn't have a chance at them would I?"

That actually made Lexa laugh.

"And why are you still clutching that fork?"

Startled by the realization, Lexa cringed and just dropped the thing, as if it was poisoned or cursed. Probably it was.

* * *

 

It was close to Christmas, the first day of winter break. Since there was nothing to study and her trainings were all done Lexa tended to spend her time just switching off, getting into another world, and playing a little on her pc. She now snickered at the time when she thought dreaming the perfect wedding was a dumb thing, because she just made her female character marry another woman in Skyrim, and even though it apparently looked unreal in the game, it felt somewhat nice to do it. Lexa never liked living her life in a dreamy alternative universe as her mentality was realistic, but these few times she could make an exception. Everyone needs a little world on their own, even if they're rare visitors, don't they?

Her character was a nordic woman. She quite a lot looked like Lexa, had her long brown hair trickily braided (one section gathered up on the top of her head, random braids on the side, and a bigger one behind), and she had a badass black warpaint, hugging her eyes and falling down her cheekbones like scattering flames. Looked a bit like a raccoon, but when she fought with two blades, nothing could stop her fearsome being.

 _Proposal. Wedding._ _Marriage. Oh God... Divorcee..._

Partly the reason of the need to forget the present, was Clarke. They hadn't spoken anything else, just as Lexa feared and expected. Deep inside maybe, she didn't even have any hope, but it still bothered her... like hell. She'd reread their conversation a thousand times since then, but the more she did that, the more sorrowful she became. So she'd deleted it and tried to forget all about it. However, the moment she finished any action, let it be gaming, training, helping her mother, going to her father with Aden or hanging out with friends once in a while, every restrained thought of Clarke came back rushing.

Just like now.

Feeling it would be enough, she drank the last sip of her Somersby, saved the game and turned it off. Lately she'd been drinking increasingly more of these, she didn't know the reason why, but didn't really care either. She's never been drunk, and she knew it wouldn't start just now. The bittersweet lingering taste on her tongue, and the simple fact that the bottle showed 4,5%, was fair enough for Lexa to feel good.

She grabbed the empty bottle and went to the kitchen to see she'd already drank three this day. It surprised her, but because she still didn't feel anything, Lexa just shrugged and picked them all up to take care of them.

Her mother's voice stopped her. "You know I trust you, but aren't you drinking too much lately?"

"This isn't much, mom. I haven't even gotten drunk."

She halted to face Indra who was sitting at the dining table, a newspaper in her hands. Indra sighed and folded the paper which meant it wasn't going to be a quick talk. Just as Lexa expected, her mom sighed before she began.

"Yes but you clearly don't drink for no reason. You never even drink. Lexa, I know this is a mess, but you can't let it affect you. Look at me, I was left alone by Gustus, I've got to handle this on my own, but I-"

"Don't!" Lexa cut her off. "First of all, I _know_ what happened, you _don't_ have to tell me _again_. On the second hand, I just drink a little and that's all."

With that, Lexa turned back and left the house to take out the bottles. Looking around their small garden, however, the only thing she could think of was how to bear leaving the place where she's grown up. Once her parents find someone to sell the house for, they can split their money by rights. Neither Aden, Lexa, or Indra could prevent this. For a few minutes Lexa stood there still, under the stars, and the lamp behind her on the wall cast her shadow on the hard ground. She watched it, mesmerized and melancholic, sighed, and then her gaze wandered along the mist her breath left in the cold air. That reminded her how freezing it was outside, goose bumps forming on the bare parts of her skin, and she snorted into the night before she headed back.

 _Better leave this place as soon as possible,_ she thought.

Basically she was strong enough for this situation. She never let herself cry, only when she watched her eleven years old brother do. Those were the only times she couldn't hold it back. She would wait to be alone and then let it rain, that's all.

Just as she sneaked back into her room to avoid her mom, Lexa's phone rang.

. _..What a waste for you to be pulled under the water..._

"Oh God." She groaned as she looked at the name. "It's late." She hissed and just dropped the thing onto her bed, pretending like she doesn't hear it. She then threw herself into the chair and stared at it. She even considered changing her ringtone, because she loved this song way too much to just let herself now hate it.

... _What a shame..._

"Hang up. Just hang up." She grumbled as she narrowed her eyes, leaning in closer as if thus she could make it stop.

... _What a waste for you to be pulled under the water. What a shame you can't hear me..._

Lexa rubbed her face and grabbed that devilish machine. "Fuck you, now I wait for my favourite part."

 _._ _.._ _I speak LOUDER!_

She swung her fist as she whisper-shouted the line, then let out a short sigh and picked up.

"Hey, Titus." She said.

_"Hi Lexa, I almost thought you didn't hear it."_

Lexa almost laughed. _Beautiful supposition,_ she thought. "I had stuff to do, sorry. What's up?"

_"Oh I just thought we could hang out during your break."_

"Sounds good." It didn't. "Though I don't know how my break will go on. Christmas and stuff, family, you know." She chuckled like an angel, giving in all she could. She sat onto her bed and just leaned against the wall.

 _"Yeah, sure."_ He laughed over the line like a nervous teen girl. _"Well, then text me when you're free okay?"_

"Okay..." Whoops, maybe it sounded too bored. "I'll text then."

_"How you doing by the way?"_

_I'll kill you man,_ Lexa rolled her eyes. "Fine dude, I'm _just_ fine. Glad to have a break." _Yeah, feelings inside not expressed._ She didn't want to seem rude so she asked back. "You?" _And here we go,_ she mentally sighed.

_"Hehe glad you asked. Well... I almost got my tattoos finished! Only another session and it's gonna be killing it."_

"That's good. Uhm you mean... the one on your head?" Lexa furrowed her eyebrows as she imagined the boy with a fucking tattoo on his bald head. Sure she wanted tattoos too, but not as a token of insanity.

_"Awesome, isn't it?"_

"Sure. Send me a picture when it's ready?"

_"Definitely, Lexi."_

She shuddered in the most unpleasant way at this nickname. Only Titus used it because no one was so stupid to think of a nickname so dumb like this. Fortunately Lexa gathered a little more patience, so that she could choose the good words.

"Good, then I'll contact you okay?"

_"Oh, yes, yeah. See you. Sweet dreams!"_

"You too. Bye."

The moment the call ended, Lexa groaned desperately and dropped her phone beside herself helplessly. _Sweet dready nightmares,_ she thought.

"Tits again?" Aden snickered as he came into her room, and despite Lexa secretly drooled over the imagination of actual tits, she let out a genuine laugh at the nickname.

"Yeah bro, again." She chuckled but perked up an eyebrow. "But shouldn't you be completely oblivious about these words yet?"

Aden threw himself beside his sister and wrapped a lazy arm around her shoulders. "No." He answered simply and all Lexa could do was to brush her fingers through his messy hair.

"Why are you still doing this?" He asked.

"I don't know." Lexa laughed hysterically as she leaned her head against Aden, though her neck also cracked as her brother was way smaller than her yet.

"I mean, he's a twenty-two years loser and you don't even like him. He's obviously hitting on you. And you deserve better." Lexa almost melted at his cute kid voice speaking so wisely yet so stupidly. He did have a point. But he didn't know Lexa didn't need a boy.

"Maybe." She shrugged but stretched the word way too much to seem certain. "Okay, probably. When we meet he keeps hugging me for any reason he can get. He tends to tell me he's gonna help anyhow he can but I don't need help."

Aden grinned. "I know. You're a badass."

Lexa chuckled and winked at him. "That I am. Titus yet thinks he needs to be my bodyguard and brain and all."

Aden looked confused. "Then again. Why don't you tell him to go?" He asked.

"Because I hate it." Lexa sighed. "I hate leaving people whom I'm important."

"Come on Lex he doesn't even know you."

 _Nobody does, Aden_ , but Lexa nodded. "Exactly. He just has a vision of a dream girl casted upon me. Yet still I feel guilty."

"Whatever. He's weird. I just worry 'bout you."

"Didn't you just say how badass I am?" She retorted cheekily. "Badass girls don't need little brothers worrying the ass out."

Aden groaned. "Point. Just... be careful."

"Hey, this is not what it seems." Lexa smiled at him reassuringly. "Titus would never hurt me. I'm sure about that. He's just super clingy, overprotective, and annoying. And you know I'm not the one to judge people by the negligible outside, but he really is weird like... not in an adorable way." She shrugged. "That's all."

Aden's smart eyes were fixated on her, measuring her and the things she just said. Lexa has been always in awe of her brother. Only eleven years old, and already so intelligent and knowledgeable, open to the world, keeping his eyes awake, just like Lexa.

"Okay." He said with a smile eventually. "I believe you. But going to bed now." He stated, patted her shoulder and popped out of her bed. "Night, Lexa."

"Good night, Aden."

And then, there was this Titus, alias Tits from now on. During the summer, Lexa and her friends were on a party when she met this certain boy... or rather _got to meet_ him, since he was the one to come and introduce himself. Nose like a potato, eyebrows sitting lowly and giving his face a stern look, thin jaws and big head. If Lexa took this and added a bald top, and that particular tattoo he just mentioned, she would get the image of an ufo in her mind.

She felt like a coward though, judging him yet sworn not to judge people. She basically felt like a coward. Titus really wanted the best for her, to get to know her, to take care of her, Lexa was well aware of this although she still didn't quite understand why. First of all, he still didn't know her enough, and they couldn't even really talk, even though Lexa could easily do that with anyone. On the second hand, if Titus actually had a crush on her, why didn't he confess since he puts it that obvious? Either way, his methods were way more questionable, for example constantly and too painfully obviously grabbing every opportunity for meaningless talks. Like, literally the ' _Hi. Hi. How are you? Fine. You? Me too. Good.'_ sort of conversations.

Then, no wonder Lexa could throw away her phone whenever she read 'Titus' anywhere.

Lexa checked the social pages one more time before she went to sleep... no sign of Clarke, and not like they would speak. This ritual of hers became stronger and stronger by the time, she tended to spend whole hours per day with that, which happened to be way much more than the usual. It seemed like Clarke just brought a bunch of bad habits into her life: drinking, being a slave of her own phone, lying, keeping secrets, spacing out... and losing the control that made her who she was. _Honour and self-control._ However, there still was something that made Lexa not regret it. She couldn't quite point her finger on that something, but she felt it in her fibers. Maybe she was going insane as she was falling on her knees for Clarke Fucking Griffin, smiling, grinning, then laughing, spreading her arms proudly and shouting into the blind world: _I fell for you, bitch._

"Yes I did." She whispered and turned off the lamps to allow her thoughts to attack her.

However, now she felt like Titus. No, Lexa was _completely_ like Titus. She didn't know anything of Clarke yet she was bounded to her. Point. Then, despite it wasn't conspicuous, she _stalked_ the girl, and, just like Titus, grabbed every opportunity to get themselves in contact. Point. And, which was worse, Lexa had literally fucking sent Clarke a fake message. Was she crazy or just desperately shy?

 _What have I done... What am I doing? Jesus._ And the guilt kept coming like a tidal wave, until she fell asleep.

* * *

 

One day until Christmas Eve, wohoo. Lexa found it odd how natural it felt without her dad, who had moved to another city with his woman and her child. Such a good father, really good... she couldn't wait to spend a part of her winter break at him...

"Shall we begin?" Indra grinned whilst she grunted one more time as she put down the last box of Christmas decorations. Decorating the house used to be a ritual, just as choosing the perfect tree, and baking gingerbread together. This year they didn't do that though, but the dignified pine was already standing in the middle of the living room, ready to be crowned. Indra was a strong woman indeed: even without a man their life seemed to flow just like the time ago.

So Lexa and her brother shared a glance and smiled. "Of course." They said.

An hour later if someone came in (tapping, tapping at the chamber door), and saw this house, they would think they'd come straight to Santa Claus. It was about time to have lunch, but then Lexa's phone buzzed.

And it was _Clarke._

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Merry Christmas! :)

"What the holy actual fucking fuck." Lexa murmured as she stared at the screen in a daze. From now on her stomach stated it would be an elevator. It lifted up.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Thanks! You too! :)

It dropped when Clarke saw it. She waited. Then she waited. Then she realized Clarke wasn't going to write more. So Lexa did, stomach lifting back up.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Uhm, btw, I've been always in awe of you. I've heard you're gonna be a doc and it must be hard. Even bc you're far from home. I don't think I could do that.

She didn't indeed. Even though she was capable of taking care of herself, and her family was a mess, Lexa couldn't leave her home just yet. Her personal elevator down there, however, fell down again as she got the reply.

 

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Oh thanks... well but I don't think I'm the kind people would be proud of
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Why wouldn't you be?

_Shit I'm too bold,_ she thought, _I can't do this._ She was shaking and she couldn't hear anything through the blood drumming in her ears... nothing unusual. So she quickly corrected herself.

 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  I mean, I don't wanna be intrusive. Sorry
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Dw you're not :)  
>  We could talk more

And that's where Lexa thought she would faint.


	3. Chapter 3

_We could talk more_ _,_ echoed Lexa's inner voice as she quickly looked up with any reason but _not_ looking at her phone, as if the message scared her. At first she froze in the spot but then her legs wobbled so she stumbled to the nearest object in the room to get a grip. However, the rushed choice happened to be the sink, full of water, so her hand slipped into the very middle of it, leaving the whole sleeve of her jumper dripping wet. Thank God she didn't drop her phone though. Shaking down as much as she could, Lexa also had to take a look at her surroundings because for a moment she even forgot where she was.

A voice startling her, she swung around to see her mother.

"I- erm, I'm just fine." Lexa stammered in a tone that even for a human seemed unnatural. Then in a blink of an eye, she disappeared into her room. She changed, threw herself into her chair and just stayed still... although in her head there was a complete waving ocean of one simple sentence.

"We could talk more." Her mouth repeated it like a mantra. When she awkwardly licked her lips, they felt dry like a lonely tumbleweed rolling around in the desert, so she leaned over her table and grabbed her cup of tea. It tasted like yesterday as well as it was too sweet, so it didn't help her state (now she remembered the cause she hasn't drunk it yet). She sighed and took her last sip before she dragged her incredulous gaze at her phone once again. Lexa considered just slapping herself to wake up from this dream. It was not at all different from the others she's been constantly having in her sleep. For a moment she was certain she was just imagining things...

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Dw you're not :)  
>  We could talk more

...but well, she wasn't.

"So we could talk more." She stated into the silence again, slowly, steadily, finally making it clear to her-fucking-self. After a last moment of shock and thrill she started typing, but as she realized it was going to be a subconscious "Yeah we could talk more.", she quickly deleted it and paused for another few moments to calm her beating heart and red face. _Idiot... s_ _he knows we could talk more, she just said it,_ Lexa scolded herself. Then she took a deep breath and refused to care about her fingers still quivering.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Really? That would be good :)  
>  So there shall be made a brand new introduction am i right?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Point :D  
>  Hi my name's Clarke!

Lexa couldn't help the constant grin she had on her face. Although she still had this lump of nerve in her throat, it seemed to dissolve and sink below into her gut as a sweet flow of joy. Her rapid heartbeating signaled the same happiness. Her writing speed was still two times longer for her foolish fingers missing a bunch of letters, but this hardly mattered now.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Honored to meet you. Mine is Lexa :)
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  I would never guess by the name above ;)
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Nor would i  
>  For a moment i had doubts about talkin to the right person
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Losing your mind? Funny

_If only you knew how hard I'm losing it for you_ , Lexa wanted to answer like that. But at that moment she decided she would never try to call this card out. Getting the chance to speak with Clarke was fair enough... or more like the best Christmas present she's ever had.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Did you find it?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Come on u sure have it :)  
>  Anyway whats up with the series? Did u watch the last season after all?

_So you recall our last conversation,_ came to Lexa's mind. However, along with her wide eyes a sly blush crept upon her face as she remembered a little matter-of-fact: it was almost half a year since she brought herself to make contact. And they haven't spoken ever since then, yet Clarke had made a move. She needed air.

Fortunarely she snapped back to reality. _W_ _hat? Oh, series_.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Oh.. to be honest ive lost my interest in the past months  
>  But what about u?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  No waay :D  
>  So have i   
>  Found other series like Rick n Morty  
>  Look at my keyboard its so awesomee *-*

Lexa was sent an actual screenshot of the girl's phone keyboard, showing some weird green cucumber-like worm (or worm-like cucumber?) with big eyes and a crazy grin. Its basic style seemed familiar from other cartoons. _It's cute_ , she supposed, though she's never seen this figure. So she just smiled, enjoying the little jolts of anticipation going through her veins.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Never seen this guy but i might watch it cuz i like these weird stuff  
>  I also found better series btw  
>  Theyre pretty much fun and mysery
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Hehe  
>  A mysery like u?

_What?_ Lexa froze.

Her door croaked open and Indra's face peered through the gap. "It's time." She announced.

"A mysery?" Out of mind, it was all Lexa could mutter under her breath. Yet again, a confused mother stared at her, knocking her out of the daze. She awkwardly shook her head, correcting herself and rising up her hands as a self-defense. "Nevermind, I'm coming in a second."

Sheepishly, once again she grabbed her phone, her mother in front of her watching the whole cursed scene.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Erm.. what do u mean by that?

Afraid of the unknown answer, she shut the device right away and left it in the room to stay in the longest possible distance. However, the more time passed, the more the uneasiness claimed her whole being. She desperately wanted to know what Clarke meant by calling her a mysery. _I could call you the same,_ she wondered whilst she sat at the table, packing herself with a surprising amount of Christmas food.

"Mom, this is wonderful." She stated with her mouth fully stuffed. Indra, who sat beside her just contently chuckled and nudged her in the side.

"You're well aware of the fact that my cooking sucks." She said.

Lexa shook her head, smiling mostly to herself. "Christmas miracle, my dear. Christmas is full of miracles, my Cl..."

 _Get a goddamned grip, moron,_ she growled mentally, _honour and self-control._ But deeply inside, she knew she had already lost that balance a thousand years ago. On the other hand, however, she couldn't help but enjoy her little secret mistake.

Presents given, songs sung, family embraced, and Christmas was all enough for a wholesome of another year. Lexa just couldn't help it: during those long, haunted years of divorcee and lost beloved, the feeling of this event had faded out of her spirit.

But at least she _knew_ she still could care: there were her brother, her mother despite their tense relationship... maybe her father as well, but actually the list was cut here. What about her friends, we may ask. The truth was that Lexa has never really had a strong friendship, as her geniune _trust_ was a challenge to obtain, and people usually never 'wasted' their time for that. But _what_ made her like this, was practically impossible to find out, even for herself. Maybe it wasn't just triggered by something sudden, but had been a whole process from a starting point, flowing through certain levels, until she found herself in this current state. Generally she felt like a wild animal, hunted by the unknown, chased into a corner and threatened to be strangled: even though all she ever wanted was this unknown to be the one she can finally trust. The problem here, however, was that the unknown usually killed her as soon as it was discovered. So after a long time of caring for someone for the very nothing, she gave up giving her trust to anyone. Her friends in school were scarcely close, she just had them to be around anyone but not the loneliness itself. Her wall of honour and self-control has been serving her well, anyway.

In one word: _love was a weakness_.

That's why she could not afford to cry over some sort of Clarke Fucking Griffin, and that she should just be happy to meet someone with a new hope of true friendship.

So when she reminded herself of this, she confidently picked up the phone she had abandoned earlier like a coward. She had to keep her cool... because it was okay... there was nothing extraordinary about finally getting to meet the girl who had instanly become your crush and who you'd been watching (stalking) from the distance for two fucking years _and_ also who had made you realise your gayest gaynesses of gay-fucking-ness. Nothing interesting. Really.

Yet of course, she restrained her foolish feelings...

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Because u would never write after ur training and i couldnt figure out why :(

...until she read this.

 _What the heck is this,_ she was asking herself and she literally pinched her own skin now. _Was she really disappointed? Did she... miss me? Hell no. That was too wild to assume. But if nothing more, was she... thinking about me?_ If Clarke kept causing her these little heart attacks, she would definitely become a writhing ball of madness. She smiled though... boy, she was _laughin_ g with happiness, even though the guilt also got a place of its own.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Oh god, im truly sorry... i didnt expect u to wait for me  
>  U didnt seem like u wanted it

She bit her bottom lip as she sent this, but seeing the followings her smile grew.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Oh man, but i really really wanted to   
>  In fact  
>  For a long time

_No way._ She imagined those funny fanarts when you get a nosebleed because of someting sudden and overwhelming. No need to mention her hand instinctively wandered to her own nose, but fortunately she didn't sense anything. So Lexa took a deep breath and decided to use the moment.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Wow. Well im not used to this but im happy to hear that  
>  But anyway if were about to confess, i wanna apologize for that bus trip  
>  U may not remember it   
>  But erm   
>  I do and id felt ashamed
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Ur right i dont remember it  
>  But  
>  I do remember when u were talking meanly about my tshirt   
>  That hurt :D
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Oh fuck.. well that was my friend   
>  I honestly was just curious about u  
>  Sorry tho

She facepalmed herself. So what was Clarke actually thinkig of her? Should she ask? What could come out of it? _Fuck it,_ she told herself.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Sooo  
>  Have i made a wrong impression?

She didn't know if the answer made a huge rock falling off of her lungs, or put another on top of them.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  At first maybe  
>  But when we spoke i realized the opposite  
>  Then u didnt write  
>  And it disappointed me  
>  But then i was just like, lets try again, after all its christmas  
>  And now were here :)
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  I feel nervous cuz i never meant it like that :/  
>  I was just stupid  
>  Sorry again
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Everythings okay here :)  
>  Soo finally  
>  Tell me about urself

So Lexa did. She talked about her sport, and her plans of going to the military once she finished school. When Clarke asked her about the reason, she told her it was because she wanted to protect people, to provide justice, and to show them a positive example of faith and strength. She then briefly told about the divorcee and that she couldn't let her borther down. Therefore Lexa learnt that Clarke had no siblings, but a black boy from her childhood whose name was Wells. They were like brother and sister so she basically knew the feeling of stupid arguments and funny games. In addition Clarke told her she was raised to respect people and not to be manipulated by stupidity. She already seemed so funny and intelligent and strong and Lexa was just in awe.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Yaay its 0:00!  
>  Make a wish :)

It was just when Lexa essentially realized they had been messaging over two hours at least. And her wish... well her mind instantly wished for this conversation to become something real, but her heart of course, no matter how hard she fought against its annoying echo, told her to wish for _Clarke._ To become hers. _Come on, this is a bullshit,_ she scolded herself, _you_ _don't even believe in stuff like that._ That wasn't true though. In fact Lexa truly had a strong belief of stars and balance and reincarnation. Although she knew she had some sort of faith, she wouldn't exaclty declare herself as a believer of any religion. But now she just wanted to find whatever reason to deny all of it.

 _Yet again,_ she thought, _it doesn't matter_. _We are fucking talking._

* * *

 

And they didn't stop.

Day by day, even if it was just writing, even if it was a holiday crowded with family feasts, programs and stuff, they would talk and talk and talk whenever they had the opportunity. And most importantly, once in her life Lexa hoped she wasn't going to be abandoned. Clarke truly felt like the very miracle of Christmas, and Lexa even considered beginning to believe in the spirit of it.

One day Clarke talks about her home, how life is going on in Arkadia, how little it is and how much she loves and hates it at the same time because of her studies in Polis. Clarke describes her way from Arkadia to Polis, and that one day she would move into Tondc, the small town that lies between the two.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Its a village u know. Pretty much fun and its considered modern   
>  Oh u cant even imagine it. Its so different :D  
>  Our people are so much more bounded than Polis. U know sometimes i dont understand the way of your people
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Whatcha mean by that?
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  They can be so cruel and... idk  
>  As if we in that village were more sensible than u in this city. Haha my classmates call urs "a new specie of animals"   
>  Cuz obv uve been here for longer and u have these weirdo habits

The blood ran out of Lexa's face.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Sweet baby jesus christ on a motorbike  
>  So am i considered one of them? :o

Fortunately the answer put her at ease.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Not for me :)  
>  And i suppose u dont really mind what others think do u?
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Ur right :)  
>  Unless i care about those ppl  
>  But btw there must be a reason u wanna leave that place  
>  Erm.. no need to answer it if ur not willing to

How _the hell_ did Clarke know?

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Trust me i also have trust issues.  
>  Lol that came out wrong :D  
>  But i tell u  
>  So  
>  At home everyone knows everyone and since my mothers a doc, theres a general expection towards me  
>  And... well there are many other things influencing my case  
>  Its hard sometimes and i hate it. But i just go on with it

According to this, Clarke still wouldn't exactly tell her why, but Lexa felt like there was an important reason Clarke didnt't want her to know... hopefully, just _yet_. Either way, she wanted Clarke to know she was patient.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Hey i know we barely know each other  
>  But weve been fooling around for such a long time :D  
>  So u can take your time

Lexa _knew_ Clarke could trust her. Obviously. The only question was whether _Lexa_ could trust her. There was this constant battle in her head, and she knew that those _alarms will ring for eternity._ However, she just had to take a chance.

So she tells Clarke that her father had actually moved to Tondc, and they would make fun of living there together. Lexa's butterflies would awaken at this point, but she wouldn't admit it, of course. After that, however, she would feel that familiar lump in her throat as well, a telltale story of haunted family past. Then as if she felt it, Clarke asks about her feelings, her choice of words all gentle, and when Lexa imagines her voice, she immediately trusts Clarke's intentions. So she would sigh though, and she would answer shortly, but more sincerely than ever.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  My dad is a lying rat when it comes to be a real man

And Clarke _thanks_ her for being able to tell it.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Anyway im just having my period so im more sensitive than usual :P

It wasn't a lie at all. What she didn't expect though was that Clarke let her know that she was nowhere near this state when she had it. When Lexa didn't quite get it, Clarke sent back a devil emoji, and answered like that.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  For i am on my period, a wall of holy steel shall be built around my plague of rampage!

It should totally make anyone dread the tomorrow... but not Lexa.

> **Lexa Wood**  
>  U sounded like some sorta prophet
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Problem with religions? :P  
>  Nah, kidding tho  
>  Hm but really what do u think of them? Religions nations an stuff

_Here's the time,_ Lexa thought, _let's see._ Of course, she didn't hope to get something relevant in return, but if they were really going to talk and she hadn't been dreamig the whole time, Clarke needed to know. So as a careful start, Lexa told her she was all open-minded and also that she specially supported the LGBTQ. When Clarke didn't quite get the standing for those letters that practically defined her whole being, Lexa explained her.

And she waited. Watching that devilish icon that told her Clarke was texting, so that soon she would know whether Clarke was going to chase her with torches and pitchforks. And she waited and she waited and it seemed like an eternal eternity and it drove her crazy. She couldn't help once again feeling like that little wild animal scooted into the corner. After all, there it stood, yet another "unknown" that was going to be revealed. It was Clarke.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Ur completely right cuz the world is just so beautiful with all these differences  
>  Thats another Arkadia con... my ppl are the opposite :(

Lexa knew what she had to do, even though that last sentence frightened the crap out of her.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Im relieved   
>  Erm.. bc i dont want u to be scared of me  
>  Fuck..  
>  Oh i dont like swearing.. fuck  
>  Arrgh fuck come on :")

It wasn't going as smoothly as she had planned it in her head... She didn't know how long she was gazing at the phone, frozen in the spot.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Is everything okay? :D  
>  Why would i be scared? Ur nice and all
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Cuz im.. damn i like girls  
>  My own gender  
>  Doesnt this make u embarrassed?

She was on the edge of losing her shit. But when Clarke answered "not at all", she was pushed to the other edge, of flying up into the sky. 

* * *

 

Another day Clarke tells her she can't swim. Lexa bursts out laughing and Aden sitting beside her just keeps studying her with those big questioning eyes of his. Lexa isn't even surprised by now because she knows she's a hopeless bitch. So she lazily curls her lips into a smile and sends her a bunch of those teary-laughing emojis. When Clarke starts pouting and calling her mean, it just makes her so cute.

That day she was at her grandparents, those who didn't give a damn about their grandchildren. They would ask all the exact same questions for long long years. _Do you still do that sport? Which grade are you in exactly?_ And the worst is: _how are you with the boys?_ In conclusion, there was no need to mention these occasions could chase Lexa out of the world. This year however, Clarke Fucking Griffin had saved her life just by speaking to her.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  The dorms?   
>  Oh yeah the dorms :D  
>  I mean, there are a bunch of rules and even some idiots but its okay living there  
>  Im gonna move anyways
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Whos your roommate? I know your friends from name but nothing else
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Raven Reyes. Geeky girlie but has the mouth of her own.. sometimes i just wanna get rid of her   
>  We argue a lot :D   
>  Mostly over Finn Collins

Lexa's gut sunk. _Finn._ Yet again, that's a boy. The only reason she liked messaging on phone, was that people didn't see her face. It wasn't like she wasn't ready to be honest at any times... boy she was good at expressing her opinions. But when the case didn't require confessions, and especially when she felt _such_ vulnerable and weak, she just put on a stoick poker face. Writing was good in this way as it was easier not to actually strain herself in order to hide certain emotions. So even though she was afraid of what to expect, her message suggested otherwise.

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Love triangle or what? :D
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Actually yes  
>  Kinda :D  
>  But its already over cuz he happened to be a douchebag   
>  I mean hes a kind guy but played us both  
>  And then, u know, the incident started bringin us closer

Lexa let out the sharp breath she wasn't even aware of holding, and despite all the relief, she felt sorry for Clarke. But when she asked if she was okay, Clarke didn't seem sad at all. She told her she hadn't been in love much enough to let it hurt. Lucky it had turned out sooner than later. Then, however, before she even knew it, she was standing in the middle of a sticky muddy pool... at least she felt like that for a moment.

> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Bet u have a much more alive love life. Any ladies on the horizon? Or boys too?
> 
> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Haha nope. No boys i mean. And as much as i want an alive love life, it never comes round
> 
> **Clarke Griffin**  
>  Maybe thats the point. It comes but goes round and avoids u

_It totally does,_ she snorted. Yet Lexa didn't care. After these days she just got used to it because just speaking to Clarke overwrote all her growing feelings. She made Lexa so happy it was overwhelming, so she wore her smile proudly whilst she was sitting here on this family dinner. Finally feeling like she geniunely had a friend, this time she wasn't lonely among these people. Not at all. 

> **Lexa Woods**  
>  Hey  
>  Can i phone u another time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No excuses. I just don't have time and brain to perfectly construct what I wanna say. I'm like George R.R. Martin, writing for an eternity. But surely not abandoning this thing. 
> 
> Ste yuj kru and have a nice day! <3


End file.
